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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/22934014">when i'm sad oh god i'm sad (and when i'm happy i am happy)</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/onsides/pseuds/onsides'>onsides</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>avs win the cup! [1]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Men's Hockey RPF</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Jealousy, Long-Distance Relationship, Long-Term Relationship(s), M/M, NHL Trade Deadline, uncomfortable phone calls by sidney crosby</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-02-28</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-02-28</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-01 07:34:45</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>General Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>2,597</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/22934014</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/onsides/pseuds/onsides</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Trade deadline AU where the rumors of Jonathan-Drouin-to-the-Avs are true. Sid deals and he and Nate talk like adults with emotions they understand and acknowledge.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Sidney Crosby/Nathan MacKinnon</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>avs win the cup! [1]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/series/1648321</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>8</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>91</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>when i'm sad oh god i'm sad (and when i'm happy i am happy)</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>i don't want to talk about this. i mean i do obviously. i feverishly wrote this in about 30 mins. i just got lost in the mac/drouin tag on tumblr while sidnate was still my focus, so, here we are, sorry jo, anyways,</p><p>title from flashlight by the front bottoms</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <em>
    <span>BREAKING NEWS: Montreal Canadiens trade F Jonathan Drouin to the Colorado Avalanche (details inside)</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>The years of paying high-strung attention to trade deadlines are long gone for Sid. He trusts his organization more now and he’s started to relinquish some of the stress he has about what moves the rest of the league made. Mostly, he only lets himself be concerned with what affects his division and the Penguins’ upcoming games.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>This one, however - Sid takes a deep breath and flips to his text conversation with Nate.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He’s not jealous. There’s nothing to be jealous about, not really. He and Nate had been together for a few years at this point, long enough that Sid knows about all of Nate’s exes and Nate knows all about his. They’re no strangers to this situation, even. Jack Johnson was traded to his team and it meant nothing. But Sid and Jack dated in high school, way more than a decade ago. Jack had a wife and kid.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>And Drouin didn’t. When Sid met Nate, really met him and got to know him, Nate was at the tail-end of his relationship with Drouin. Sid wasn’t privy to details at the time, what with Nate’s fears of coming out and Sid’s own hesitations, but he knew whatever was happening in Nate’s life was weighing on him heavily. </span>
  <em>
    <span>Long distance relationships, you know, </span>
  </em>
  <span>Nate had said, his eyes shifty and sad. Sid agreed and let it go.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Later, Nate told him everything. Flashes of a first love in juniors, first times, long nights, winning the championship together, </span>
  <em>
    <span>I don’t know what I’d do without Nathan. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>Sid puts his phone down without texting and stares at their conversation on the counter. Nate seemed so sad, then, but he seemed steady anyway. That’s Nate, it’s true, and it’s why Sid loves him, but he found comfort at the time in Nate’s words </span>
  <em>
    <span>I like Jo but Jo loves me. </span>
  </em>
  <span>Sid had chuckled then, considering it a bit of arrogance if not a skewed perception of their relationship entirely. The more Nate told him, though, it seemed less like that and more like the truth.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He knows Drouin is single - Nate told him so, as Droun had told him so, as Drouin still did. But he knows Nate was committed to someone, although he and Sid agreed a while ago to keep the circle who knew small. Part of Sid wants Drouin to know though.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>So maybe Sid is a bit jealous.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He flexes his fingers and finds himself missing Nate desperately. If he is being honest, which he is trying, he’s mostly bitter. Sid spends his entire season counting down the days till he can see Nate, only twice on the schedule, and only more if they fit it in, and even then, it’s brief and not enough.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>It’s kind of been an issue for Sid lately in general. It’s not so much that he wants Nate to come closer - although he does - because he knows how important Denver is to Nate. He just wishes what every person does, he thinks, that the guy he loves is there waiting for him when he came home. It’s impractical, but Sid always dreams of a day where it’s the truth. If they played on the same team together, it wouldn’t be as strange for them to live together, he thinks.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>And now Nate is probably going to spend all of his time with Drouin, maybe even live with him. Time that Sid wants more than anything in the world, sometimes more than hockey.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Nate never believes him when he says it, but it’s true. Sid jokes that it’s the 3 Cups talking that make it easier to say and Nate laughs and adds that the Harts and Conn Smythes and everything in between can’t hurt either. Andy, Flower, and Duper will tell Sid that he seems more at peace now, more comfortable, steadier. Taylor asks about Nate more now that Sid’s officially told her - one of the few he did - but she keeps up with Nate enough herself. </span>
  <em>
    <span>Sister-in-law duties, right? </span>
  </em>
  <span>She always tells him, pretending not to notice how it warms Sid from the inside-out to hear.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Mario looks at him fondly whenever Sid mentions Nate, implicitly telling Sid he knows and he’s happy as Sid implicitly responds he’s appreciative. Geno has never asked about Sid and Nate, but he knows. Sid knows he knows and Geno just gives him long looks when it’s late and Sid bails to call Nate, following him out of the bar once in Vancouver to tell him </span>
  <em>
    <span>love you always. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>That one made Sid cry a little. He told Nate and Nate just laughed happily at him, telling him he’s too obvious, and he loves him for it.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Sully knows, Sid’s sure - Sid has asked on one too many trips to Denver to stick around and break curfew and not sleep in the hotel for him not to. He hasn’t said anything either way, but his steady hand on Sid’s shoulder and his solid permittance every time bodes well, Sid thinks.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>On Nate’s side, Sid’s not entirely certain who’s figured them out, but Nate never seems concerned. He’s fairly sure Landeskog knows, and he knows Dutchy does - Dutchy watched it happen at the start there, if Sid’s being honest. Tyson knows, of course, and he glories in it whenever he gets the chance, bringing joy to Sid and Nate both, fielding his requests to be </span>
  <em>
    <span>both </span>
  </em>
  <span>of their best man. Nate’s sister Sarah knows and Sid got a hell of a shovel-talk for it - most of it being about the fact Sid is 8 years Nate’s senior and his childhood idol. Sarah is right, of course, but Sid can’t help but love him for who he is now. She softened at that, but she still mocks him every time she gets the chance.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Sid picks up the phone again and he’s consumed by the sudden insane urge to text Landeskog and ask him to keep Nate and Drouin apart. He rolls his eyes at himself and sits at a bar stool.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He looks at their conversation, tapering off early that morning after a couple </span>
  <em>
    <span>good morning </span>
  </em>
  <span>texts and casual talk about their separate plans that day. Neither of them have games, but practice beckoned that morning anyway.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Eyeing Nate’s text </span>
  <em>
    <span>love you, enjoy practice, </span>
  </em>
  <span>he calls.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Nate picks up almost immediately seemingly mid-chuckle. “I was wondering when you’d call.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Sid blushes and tries not to cringe. “Am I that predictable?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yeah,” Nate says, his voice fond and warm. “If I know you at all, which I do, you’ve been sitting there worrying that I’m going to dump you and run back into Jo’s arms or something equally as ridiculous.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Sid grits his teeth at himself and sighs through a chuckle. Bracing himself, he responds, “Actually, it was more that you would act like he’s not totally still in love with you and he would slowly win you back over because he’s actually around all the time unlike me and I’d be left to watch you walk away, stuck in Pittsburgh as always.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The line is silent. Sid pulls the phone away from his ear to see if the call dropped or if Nate hung up on him.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He brings it back to his ear in time to hear Nate sigh deeply and say, “Sid.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Sid cringes at the sound and swallows back the thickness in his throat. “What?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Normally I’d just tell you you’re being dumb, but now I’m worried. Do you really think I’d do that?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I mean, not on purpose,” Sid says, a touch helplessly, “Those things just happen, right?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Sid, we’ve been together for four years now. That’s not nothing, so no, those things don’t just happen.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You said yourself you liked Jo but Jo loved you.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Riiight,” Nate says, voice slow and bitchy. Sid resists the urge to roll his eyes. “I feel like my point is literally right there. I don’t know what more I can say.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I just want you to-” Sid stops, unsure himself. Well, he knows, but he can’t say it, not really. What Sid wants is for Nate to tell him he loves him every day, in person, right by his side, tucked into bed with him, beside him on the couch, at the kitchen table, their fingers intertwined, their feet tangling, their hearts beating together. He wants to marry Nate, he wants to be able to tell everyone he found </span>
  <em>
    <span>his person, </span>
  </em>
  <span>he wants to have a bunch of little tiny babies with Nate and raise little hockey players or musicians or professors or whatever they want.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>What he says, instead, awfully, regrettably, embarrassingly, is, “I just want to know you’ll still be mine when summer comes.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The line is silent again. Sid feels guilt creep up from his gut, feeling distinctly like bile. He’s not like this. He’s never been jealous in his life, he’s never felt sickly with envy and guilt and shame like this. He doesn’t know what to do with how he feels. He wonders if Nate has ever felt like this about Sid.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Of course I have,” Nate says, his tone clipped. Sid jolts, not realizing he spoke out loud. Nate continues before Sid can get a word in. “I wish you would just say what you want to say instead of saying shitting things like that, like I’m gonna cheat on you and dump you or something.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I would never think you’d cheat on me,” Sid says, feeling like it’s extremely important to clarify suddenly.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Sure sounds like it,” Nate responds. Sid imagines him sitting in his living room in the corner of his massive couch, nice and comfortable under a blanket. Maybe it’s the one his grandma made him before he went off to Denver, telling him he’ll need it, because </span>
  <em>
    <span>it gets cold up in those mountains, Nathan. </span>
  </em>
  <span>Sid aches with how much he wants to be there.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Will you just tell me what’s on your mind?” Nate asks tiredly. Sid pictures him rubbing his face and Sid pictures himself telling him to stop, </span>
  <em>
    <span>it’s bad for your skin, Nate. </span>
  </em>
  <span>Nate usually rolls his eyes but drops his hand regardless, looking haughty and lovely.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Sid sighs and walks to his own living room, taking a seat on his own over-sized couch. He leans forward, his elbows on his knees, and lets his head hang.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Quietly, he asks, “Are you happy?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Nate’s silent for a moment before asking, sounding genuinely confused, “Am I happy?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yeah,” Sid continues. “With me? With us?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He can see Nate scrunching his brow in his mind. Nate takes a moment, another thing Sid loves about him, how long he takes to answer tough questions, never wanting to mince words when it matters. Finally, he responds, “I don’t think it matters, not right now. I am, for what it’s worth. But why are you asking?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Sid leans back, feeling found out and childish about it. He bites his lip and stares at his ceiling, his hand clinging his phone. “I don’t know if I am.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He hears Nate’s breath hitch. Sid squeezes his eyes shut, feeling stupid, and rushes to continue, “No, no, I don’t mean like that. I love you, so much, and that’s why. I am happy, I’m just-”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Please get to your point.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Sid feels guiltier at Nate’s voice cracking. He swallows and nods, even though Nate can’t see him, and adds, “I miss you all the time, Nate. It’s nothing we can change, I know that, and maybe that’s why I never bother talking about it, how I feel about it, but…”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Sid trails off, in vague disbelief at himself for somehow letting Drouin come between them in a weird roundabout way anyway. He rubs his own face, scolding himself distantly.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I don’t know why you never act right, Sid,” Nate responds, his tone still sounding strained but lighter, relieved. “Why can’t you just say you love me and miss me like a normal person?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Sid laughs, relieved that Nate isn’t dumping him for being crazy just yet. He says nothing, hoping Nate will continue and pick up on whatever thread Sid’s weaving here.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Sure enough, he does. “I’m going piss Taylor off big-time with this and I know you’re gonna kill her, I know it, but Sid… I know you want to marry me. Taylor told me, showed me the ring, everything.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>It feels like a record is scratching to an awful, grinding halt in Sid’s head. Before he could process </span>
  <em>
    <span>anything, </span>
  </em>
  <span>Nate continues.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“But, Sid, she told me that </span>
  <em>
    <span>last March. </span>
  </em>
  <span>I spent the entirety of last summer waiting, you know that? Every single time the moment seemed even kind of right, I was bracing myself for it, and it just never came. I left a couple days early because I thought I fucked it up or something. If you wanted the real reason. I mean, I did want to get everything settled earlier, but-”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You thought I changed my mind about proposing because of </span>
  <em>
    <span>you?” </span>
  </em>
  <span>Whatever Sid is feeling about Taylor letting it all hang out like that is out the window at the sound of that.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Well, yeah,” Nate responds, sounding unsure and insecure and sad and unlike himself so much that Sid can’t stand it.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Well, first of all, I’m going to absolutely murder Taylor,” Sid starts, feeling like it’s necessary to state. “And second, I decided last summer wasn’t right because of a ton of reasons but most of them were just because, honestly, I was in a ton of pain from the hernia and I was afraid of making a wrong choice somewhere and you kept talking about how important this year was for you, with the Avs, and- I don’t know, I just didn’t want to distract you. Like I’m doing now, I guess,” Sid adds with a soft, sad laugh.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He listens to Nate sigh on the other side, the rustle of something in the background. Sid thinks maybe it’s a relieved sigh.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Again, Sidney, I wish you would just say what you want to say sometimes. We could have had a, like, super adult conversation last summer about this, you know? You could have been like, </span>
  <em>
    <span>hey, Nate, I wanna get married but I don’t think the time is right,</span>
  </em>
  <span> and I could be, like, </span>
  <em>
    <span>wow, Sid, I’ve wanted to marry you since I was 12, but yeah, I’ve waited 12 years, I can wait some more, for sure. </span>
  </em>
  <span>So easy, bud.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Sid lets an easy grin form on his face, feeling relieved. He lets his head fall to the side and lets out a giggle, trying not to feel out-of-sorts with how relieved he really is. He gets in his own head too much. Flower is gonna mock him for this so hard.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Nate continues, “Anyways, you lunatic, now that we’ve discussed it, do you feel better about Jo being on my team?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Sid rolls his eyes, still smiling, and adds, “No, but I don’t feel like you’re gonna leave me as much anymore I guess.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“And Sid?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I love you and I am happy. Okay?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yeah, okay.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“And after the Avs win the Cup this year, let’s have a semi-shotgun wedding.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Semi-shotgun? What the hell does that even mean?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It means only, like, 8 people can know we’re getting married anyway, so we’ll gather them in our shared backyard and it’ll be cute and nice in the middle of July or something.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“...sounds perfect. Wait, after the </span>
  <em>
    <span>Avs</span>
  </em>
  <span> win the Cup?”</span>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>i am writing a supremely indulgent sequel where the avs DO win the cup bc i fuckin said so and then it is sid's turn to attend nate's cup festivities with zero explanation why beyond "yea they're buds from the same place so what" (which is not good enough, nathan)</p><p>i have never written or thought about sid in his pov in my life so, uh, sorry, but tbh i feel like when it comes to sidnate it's always about how much nate loves sid and follows him around (irl example is how nate is always asked about sid but never vice versa it seems) but i'd like to believe sid loves nate just as much, if not more. he's comfortable with him! crosby doesn't seem comfortable with anyone! im just saying!</p><p>i have to write a summertime fic with these two otherwise it's just gonna be phonecall after phonecall. ldrs are tough in a great many mysterious ways i suppose</p><p>sorry to jo drouin. no i will not say who went to the habs in return. bc no one did. one-way trade. an anomaly</p><p>("i don’t know what I’d do without nathan" is a real thing drouin said by the way)</p></blockquote></div></div>
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